I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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