Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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