I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
not ubering you a puppy
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
