we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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