My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
