Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize