Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
