Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
