wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
