so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I believe in your delicious
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
