I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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