The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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