he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
