I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
