I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
