Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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