im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
