apparently the secret to your success is patron
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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