I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
