I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
