Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
