He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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