she smelled like a LAN party
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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