So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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