Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
