I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
In other news, I just burned my penis
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
