our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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