Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i think i have two assholes
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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