Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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