got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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