he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
