garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
