I'd wear matching sweaters with you
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
