So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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