I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
