Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
