I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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