Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
