I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize