I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
