just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
