how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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