I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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