Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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