i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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