Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
A+ Viking dick
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
