I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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