oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
