Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize