he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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