Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
sarcasm needs its own font
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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