More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
