It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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