They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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