I accidentally had phone sex last night
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize