My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
