So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
